we get real hilarious Dad jokes sent to us by real goofball Sons from all over the world.
Warning: These aren't your grandpa's Dad jokes!


 

That's Nuts

Dad: Knock knock.
Son: Who's there?
Dad: Leaving.
Son: Leaving who?
Dad turns to Mom.
Dad: You, Janet. I'm leaving you.
Son continues unwrapping Christmas presents.

Ken Beisbol, age 9
 

Dad: What do you call a peanut in space?
Son: What?
Dad: An astro-nut.
Dad takes another fistful of unshelled peanuts and thrusts them into his gaping maw. The sound is terrible.
Dad: What do you call an almond in space?

Mitch Stubbish, age 11


Dad: What do you say to someone who doesn't care about losing their family?
Son: I don't know, Dad. What?
Dad: (to the tune of EMF's hit song) You're un-bereave-able! Oh!
Dad peels out in his '93 Ford Taurus. He does 15 complete donuts in the A&W parking lot.

Scab Underton, age 8


Trending

Son: Dad, why isn't anybody favoriting my tweets?
Dad: Because son, tweets are for the birds.
Laughing hysterically, Dad rolls up sleeve and carves #WINNING into his forearm. The open wound goes viral.

Duke Trunkis, age 12


Son: Thanks for making my lunch Dad. I don't think you'v ever done that before.
Dad: That's nuts!
Son: Mom usually makes something boring because of my allergies.
Dad: That's nuts!
Son: Dad, actually, I don't feel too good.
Dad: That's nuts! That's nuts! That's nuts! That's nuts!
Dad continues pointing at Son's food. Son's throat begins to close.

Tevin Charlie, age 8


Dad: Knock knock.
Son: Who's there?
Dad: Boo.
Son: Boo hoo?
Dad: Don't cry Son. You're the man of the house now, you have to be strong enough for everybody.
Dad succumbs to gunshot wounds.

Abe Gromet, age 6


homesick

Dad: What do you call a little boy who falls asleep during breakfast?
Son: I don't know.
Dad: A cereal kid-napper!
The door to the basement slams. Everyone huddles for warmth again.

P. Lee Sehndhelp, age 11


Dad and Son are on a road trip. Dad points out the window at a farmer.
Dad: That guy should win an award.
Son: Why?
Dad: He's out-standing in his field!
The car is swallowed up by a hole in the Earth. Now they've crossed the line. Fallen through time. LIVIN IN THE LAND OF THE LOST.

Kert Bigguns, age 8


Son is struggling to vacuum the floor.
Dad: Make sure you get all the dust mites under the couch.
Son: Dad, this vacuum sucks.
Dad: No it doesn't. That's why it's taking you so long!
Dad does a series of backflips that dazzle the senses. All women in a five mile radius are impregnated. All wars are ended.

Stunky Carmichael, age 10


Life lessons

Son: Dad you look different. Did you get a haircut?
Dad: No Son. I got them all cut.
Dad finishes his gymnastic floor routine. Wins the bronze.

Taynely Germish, age 7
 

Dad: What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
Son: I don’t know.
Dad: ARRR. What’s a pirate’s favorite movie rating?
Son: I don’t know.
Dad: ARRR. What’s a pirate’s favorite country?
Son: I don’t know.
Dad: ARRRgentina. What’s a pirate’s favorite Disney villain?
Son: I don’t know.
Dad: ScARRR. What’s a pirate’s favorite container?
Son: I don’t know.
Dad: A jARRR. What’s a pirate’s favorite…
And so on and so forth until their bones turn to dust and the sun no longer rises.

Jakey Gelaky, age 11
 

Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Son: To get to the other sid--
Dad: Because every night we have chicken. Every fucking night. Once I would like to come home and not pretend to like eating fucking chicken for the millionth time. Always with the fucking chicken.
Easter dinner continues as usual.

Chillaen Midfeld, age 8


Wipeout

Dad: Did you hear about the surfer who fell asleep on the waves?
Son doesn’t say anything.
Dad: Now he’s all washed up!
Son: Uncle Jerry didn’t fall asleep Dad. He was knocked unconscious. And this doesn’t feel like an appropriate time for jokes.
The priest continues with the funeral ceremony.

Jones McGaven, age 10


Dad: A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all walk into a bar. The redhead orders a whiskey ginger and pays in cash. The brunette orders a beer and pays with a credit card. The blonde orders a martini--
Son: Dad, please stop describing everything you see. Can you finish your drink so we can go? I have homework.

Tick Jamish, age 12


Son: I wanna learn how to make an omelet.
Dad: Ok, but there’s only one way to do it.
He takes the eggs out from the fridge.
Son: How’s that?
Dad: You have to make it eggs-ackly right!
Son: Jeez, come on Dad.
He heats up a pan as he holds up one egg.
Dad: What? It’s just a little yolk.
He presses his palm directly onto the heated pan in an attempt to feel something, anything like he used to feel when he was young. When he was with her. Before it all.

Jaymes Middledog, age 8


Home making

Dad: "Hey, guess what?"
Son: "What?"
Dad: "Chicken butt."
Son: "Fuck you, Dennis."

Trav Tellmen, age 5
 

Dad admires Son’s new haircut.
Dad: "Looks like you got in a fight with a lawnmower. And the lawnmower won!"
Dad continues to apply lipstick in the mirror. His cigarette continues to burn with 2 inches of ash hanging off of it.

Chance Sparch, age 9
 

Son: Hey Dad, do you have a second?
Dad: Sure. Times up!
Son: I got a girl pregnant.
Dad has left the room.

Dane Gurgle, age 18
 

Dad: What do you call 100 lawyers chained to the bottom of the ocean?
Son: I don’t know, what?
Dad: My friends…
A single tear runs down Dad’s face as he stares vacantly at the Lawyer Anchor Memorial, seeing the faces of all those lost.

Latch Timmons, age 12
 

Dad: You know the best thing to do when the elevator’s broken?
Son: What?
Dad: Take a good long stair.
Dad flattens a cardboard box on the ground and breakdances for 11 minutes.

Simonon Shuester, age 8


Roughhousing

Dad: Hey son, do you wanna try a Hertz Donut?
Son: Sure Dad.
Dad punches son in the arm.
Dad: Hurts, don’t it?
Son: Hahaha.
Son reports the event to his teacher. Stays with Grandma for a few weeks. Now there are two Christmases.

Michael Nesbit, age 7

 

Dad: What’s the perfect time to go to the dentist?
Son: Tooth-hurty!
Dad: The answer is never. We lost our insurance when the plant closed.

Tucker Forx, age 12

 

Dad: Why did the Hungarian King use his vast army to invade the Ottoman Empire’s territory?
Son: I don’t know, Dad. Why?
Dad: Well if you were Hungary you’d probably want Turkey too!
Brother leaves $40 on the coffee table. Son changes the channel to cartoons. Dad’s hand shakes the way it always does.

Dervan Jacobs, age 8

 

Space TIme

Dad: How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
Son: I don't know Dad. How?
Dad: Eclipse it!
A dark shadow envelops the moon and the earth. All is quiet. All is still. Death is coming.

Stu Cheebish, age 7


Dad: Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
Son: Because he was out-standing in his field?
Dad: No, Son. Because apparently being married to the boss's niece is enough to get you a goddamn corner office these days. Despite the fact that some people, i.e. ME, have been busting their ass at the same goddamn company for twenty five fucking years.
Dad continues to punch a scarecrow he's fashioned with a sign that says "Jacobson"

Luke Crabwald, age 13


Dad: Hey Son, what large body has more rings than Saturn?
Son: I don't know Dad. Is it Jupiter?
Dad: Nope. It's your Mother because it seems like she uses every paycheck I give her to buy some other piece of jewelry. You hear me Diane??
Son: That doesn't sound like a joke.
Dad: It's all a fucking joke, Son. It's all a fucking joke...

Silio Pastaboni, age 10


Artistry

Son: Hey Dad, what do you think of my drawing?
Dad: I'd say I'm a pretty big fan.
Dad is literally a giant oscillating fan. Son weeps.

Cherbish Beasley, age 10


Son: Hey Dad, check out my dance moves!
Dad: Ok, Son.
Son starts to do a funky dance but twists his ankle. He falls to the floor and the bone snaps, poking through the skin.
Dad: I've heard of "break dancing", but this is ridiculous.
Dad starts popping and locking all over the room while son stares at his leg in shock.

Dirk Cubbingsbee, age 9


Son: Father, I must ask you to stop kissing me goodnight.
Dad: And I mustache you to go to bed.
Dad's giant mustache sweeps the son off his feet in a cloud of dust mites and carries him to bed.

Chane Wallit, age 7 


Dad meals

Son: Dad, I'm nervous.
Dad: Hi Nervous. I'm Dad.
Son: Dad, I'm serious!
Dad: Hi Serious. I'm Dad.
Son: Dad. I'm gay.
Dad puts on headphones.

Chames Gant, age 12
 

Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Son: I don't know. Why?
Dad: Maybe he saw this piece of shit excuse for a meal your mother calls dinner. You hear that, Janice?! I know you can fucking hear me from the other room!

Randall Dingus, age 8


Son: Dad, why are you dumping all of those condiments in the sink?
Dad: Because! We're celebrating sink-o de mayo!
Dad takes all of the food from the fridge and throws it in the sink while screaming in gibberish and urinating down his leg.

Derky Hines, age 7


Growing up

Dad: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Son: Nacho cheese?
Dad: All of the cheese, Son. It’s all mine. They all belong to me because I work for a living.

Jason Cartmouth, age 7
 

Dad: What do lawyers wear to court
Son: I don’t know, Dad. What?
Dad: Lawsuits!
Son points to his Mother and tells the judge he would prefer to live with her.

Lance Rickson, age 5


Dad: What’s the matter, Son?
Son: I’ve been on hold with the cable company for 35 minutes. Their customer service is so bad I can hardly stand it!
Dad: Then why don’t you sit down! Haha.
Son punches Dad square in the chest and for the first time in his life he feels like a man. A man that’s in control.

Scott Timmons, age 16


What's the point?

Dad: Pull my finger.
Son: I don’t want to.
Dad: Come on. It’ll be funny. Pull my finger.
Son: Ugh, fine.
Son pulls Dad’s finger. Nothing happens.
Dad: I’ve got nothing left. She took everything.

Randy Coddle, age 9
 

Son: Hey Dad, do you have another pencil? This one broke.
Dad: You know what they say about broken pencils?
Son: What?
Dad: Ah nevermind. It’s pointless!
Son: Come on, let’s just get this over with.
Son continues filling out Dad’s final will and testement.

Robert Fulcher, age 49

 

Dad and Son on a road trip.
Dad: Oh look, a flock of cows.
Son: Herd of cows.
Dad: Of course I’ve heard of cows! There’s a whole flock right over there!
Dad smiles wide as hot tears run down his cheeks. After 6 minutes he changes the radio station to static and begins muttering the name “Linda”.

Tommy Selvetti, age 7


Coming of age

Dad: What’s that old saying about lawns and mowers?
Son: I don’t know. What?
Dad: It takes one to mow one!
The early autumn sunlight streams through the window. How long has it been like this? In the distance a bird calls out for it’s lover. There is no answer.

David Crumbly, age 9

 

Dad: Did you hear the one about the farmer who fell on a pitchfork?
Son: No.
Dad: He got the point in the end.
Son: You stole that from the Jungle Cruise--
Dad: I never loved you.

Terrance Stillwicker, age 13

 

Dad and Son drive past the town cemetery on their way home.
Dad: This place is so popular. People are just dying to get in there!
Son: Hahaha!
Dad turns into the cemetery. Parks car. Walks to open grave and climbs down into it. Dad lays silently in the open grave starring up at what the world is and was. It begins to rain.
Son: Hahaha!

Charlie Dayne, age 7


The Basics

Son: Dad, I’m hungry.
Dad: Nice to meet you Hungry, I’m Dad.
Dad screams for 27 minutes.

Lucas Foresythe, age 13

 

Dad: Why was six afraid of seven?
Son: Why?
Dad: Because seven was a different ethnicity and six grew up in a different time.
Dad stares off into the distance until dinner is over.

Jake Severensen, age 9

 

Dad: Knock, knock.
Son: Who’s there?
Dad: Mom.
Son: Mom who?
Dad: Exactly...
Dad finishes ordering from the Arby’s cashier.

Stephen McHale, age 10


Food jokes

Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Son: Why?
Dad: Because sometimes you gotta leave to make your boy a man.
Son finishes bussing Dad’s table.

Trent Chetters, age 18


Son: Hey Dad, can I have some money to get groceries from Whole Foods?
Dad: More like Whole Paycheck!
Son: I wish we didn’t have to live like this.
Dad clenches and unclenches his fists seven times.

Donald Mukas, age 12


Dad: Knock, knock.
Son: Who’s there?
Dad: Banana.
Son: Banana who?
Dad: Knock, knock.
Son: Who’s there?
Dad: Banana.
Son: Banana who?
Dad: Knock, knock.
Son: Who’s there?
Dad: Banana.
Son: Banana who?
Dad: Knock, knock.
Son: Who’s there?
Dad: Orange.
Son: Orange who?
Dad: Where am I? Who are you?
Nurse: Visiting hours are over.

John Winders, age 47