Dear Chad,

Teen Talk Net Meme.jpg

During computer lab last week some kids took a picture off of my Facebook and made it into a meme. Everybody laughed and said it was funny. Now everyone is calling me a meme and it’s not funny. What should I do?

EMBARRASSED
San Mateo, CA

 

Dear Embarrassed,

First of all, don’t be. The internet is a cruel place filled with wild masked beasts lashing out at the weakest of the herd. Take it from me! I’m on the internet right now! Now I don’t know exactly what a “meme” is but I can imagine what kind of cruel things these kids did to your photo. Maybe they took your face and pasted it on to the body of a donkey and wrote DUMB ASS over it in big letters and then printed that out 200 times and posted it on every wall around school the week before junior prom to ensure that you’d be spending that night alone.

Who knows what kids are up to these days. The internet is radical.

The best thing to do when you’re being bullied in a computer-sense is to get into the mindset of your attacker. You must wear the skin of your enemy in order to learn their weakness.

The best way to do this is to anonymously enter a chat room or forum. I advise you to pick an audience whose interests don’t directly correspond to your own, that way you can more easily vilify and attack them. Then follow these steps:

1. Discover who the weakest individual in the community is. Keep an eye open for vulnerable language or sincerity.

2. Personally attack this individual with hate speech and slander. Question their sincerity and accuse them of abuse IRL (in real land).

3. Create multiple accounts under different names and corroborate the slanderous stories.

4. Rejoice as your foe retreats into the depths of the web, never to be heard from again.

5. (Optional) Create another fake account in the guise of a friend. String them along and rebuild their confidence only to reveal yourself as a betrayer and crush them in the end. This is called the “Crying Game” tactic.

Besides that, just remember to be safe and have fun out there on the net. Back in my day we didn’t have the world wide web at our finger tips. And it sure does make me proud to see all you computer wizards out there surfing the net. Keep clickin dudes!

-CHAD FRISBEE
Guidance Counselor
ewburg Middle School