Written "Comedy"


 

Dad Jokes

Every week we get real hilarious Dad jokes sent to us by real goofball Sons from all over the world.
Warning: These aren't your grandpa's Dad jokes!

Dad: Hey, guess what?
Son: What?
Dad: Chicken butt.
Son: Fuck you, Dennis.

Trav Tellmen, age 5
 

Dad admires Son’s new haircut.
Dad: Looks like you got in a fight with a lawnmower. And the lawnmower won!
Dad continues to apply lipstick in the mirror. His cigarette continues to burn with 2 inches of ash hanging off of it.

Chance Sparch, age 9
 

Son: Hey Dad, do you have a second?
Dad: Sure. Times up!
Son: I got a girl pregnant.
Dad has left the room.

Dane Gurgle, age 18
 

Dad: What do you call 100 lawyers chained to the bottom of the ocean?
Son: I don’t know, what?
Dad: My friends…
A single tear runs down Dad’s face as he stares vacantly at the Lawyer Anchor Memorial, seeing the faces of all those lost.

Latch Timmons, age 12
 

Dad: You know the best thing to do when the elevator’s broken?
Son: What?
Dad: Take a good long stair.
Dad flattens a cardboard box on the ground and breakdances for 11 minutes.

Simonon Shuester, age 8


Real Letters To Reel People

Once a week I send a letter to a famous Hollywood person as part of my never ending mission to be blinded by the bright lights of stardom. These are the letters.

Dear Julia Louis-Dreyfus AKA Julia “Louis CK” -Dreyfus AKA Julia Louis- “Richard” Dreyfus The First Lady of comedy! The Queen in the comedy court! Judge, jury and executioner of comedy bits. 12 angry whoa-man look out for this sky rocketing star of comedy and womanhood because she’s about to wreck shop on your fucking Sunday night programming block. And no we’re not talking about Sopranoes or The Deadwood but an actual funny show that is filled with more laughs per minute than a gad dang Archie comic. Hear ye, here ye, here comes Mrs. Seinfeld herself! Did you ever talk to Kramer about that whole N-word business? I’ve been a big fan of yours since almost the first episode of The New Adventures of Old Christine. And then when I went back to look at your back catalog I thought to myself “Holy heck! This gal is a real Carol Burnett type with a big personality and even bigger more laughs. How is she not the First Lady of comedy yet?” And now look at you: Literally making comedy from our nation’s captial: Washington D.C. (District of Comedy) (lol). But don’t you miss the bright lights of Hollywood? I know the lights of New York or the District (of Comedy) can be pretty bright, but nothing can hold a candle to the spotlights of the Hollywood Sign! Here’s a movie pitch for you: You’re a no nonesense Clown College dean and a new fraternity is serving you up a real grief sandwich. They’re all goofs and no guts. The Frat bros will probably be played by Jonas Hill, Zac F-Ron, Blake Lively, and (fingers crossed) Robert Downsy Jr. Your scenes would be crucial to the plot but could possibly end up on the cutting room floor (no promises! That’s show biz (business), babe!). The working title for the film is The Boys Are Back: Goof Troop 2 - How To Succeed in Clown College Without a Big Check From Mommy. This tagline we’re throwing around the office right now is “What’s good for the goof isn’t always good for the Gambler!” Your character’s name is probably Ms. Gambler and you’re barren. Anyways, think it over. Send me a personal letter back when you get a chance. My email is currently under construction because my nephew downloaded a porn virus. Kids will be boys! Would love to work with comedy Royalty! -Dan Neilan P.S. Your Rolling Stone cover gave me a cool boner. Thanks!

Dear Julia Louis-Dreyfus AKA Julia “Louis CK” -Dreyfus AKA Julia Louis- “Richard” Dreyfus

The First Lady of comedy! The Queen in the comedy court! Judge, jury and executioner of comedy bits. 12 angry whoa-man look out for this sky rocketing star of comedy and womanhood because she’s about to wreck shop on your fucking Sunday night programming block. And no we’re not talking about Sopranoes or The Deadwood but an actual funny show that is filled with more laughs per minute than a gad dang Archie comic. Hear ye, here ye, here comes Mrs. Seinfeld herself! Did you ever talk to Kramer about that whole N-word business?

I’ve been a big fan of yours since almost the first episode of The New Adventures of Old Christine. And then when I went back to look at your back catalog I thought to myself “Holy heck! This gal is a real Carol Burnett type with a big personality and even bigger more laughs. How is she not the First Lady of comedy yet?” And now look at you: Literally making comedy from our nation’s captial: Washington D.C. (District of Comedy) (lol).

But don’t you miss the bright lights of Hollywood? I know the lights of New York or the District (of Comedy) can be pretty bright, but nothing can hold a candle to the spotlights of the Hollywood Sign! Here’s a movie pitch for you: You’re a no nonesense Clown College dean and a new fraternity is serving you up a real grief sandwich. They’re all goofs and no guts. The Frat bros will probably be played by Jonas Hill, Zac F-Ron, Blake Lively, and (fingers crossed) Robert Downsy Jr. Your scenes would be crucial to the plot but could possibly end up on the cutting room floor (no promises! That’s show biz (business), babe!). The working title for the film is The Boys Are Back: Goof Troop 2 - How To Succeed in Clown College Without a Big Check From Mommy. This tagline we’re throwing around the office right now is “What’s good for the goof isn’t always good for the Gambler!” Your character’s name is probably Ms. Gambler and you’re barren.

Anyways, think it over. Send me a personal letter back when you get a chance. My email is currently under construction because my nephew downloaded a porn virus. Kids will be boys! Would love to work with comedy Royalty!

-Dan Neilan

P.S. Your Rolling Stone cover gave me a cool boner. Thanks!


Real Letters To Reel People

Once a week I send a letter to a famous Hollywood person as part of my never ending mission to be blinded by the bright lights of stardom. These are the letters.

Dear Kevan Spacey, What up K-Pax! It’s been a long time since we had a regular correspondence, but i haven’t forgotten the wise words you laid upon my sweet little brain all those years ago. When my nine(9) year old eyes and ears were graced with your performance as “Hopper” in A Bug Life, I turned to my Mom and said “That's what I want to be when I grow up.” And she looked down at my starry eyed little face and said “If you wanna be a bug than you can be a bug. Because this is America. This place is run by bugs.” And then we got kicked out for sneaking into the movie. But when I got home that night I wrote you a letter telling you my dreams. YOu sent me a headshot back that said (and I’ll never forget this), “Reach for the stars, Derek.” Now I’m a little baby that has grown into a little man. And I need some more advise! How do you keep yourself so organized with all of your projects? I mean, you’re doing a national tour of William Shakespeare’s “Richard OneOneOne”. Then you’ve got the third season of “Cards” going into pre-production. Plus, they keep airing The Usual Suspects on TBS. That’s gotta keep you busy! How do you do it Kev? I get exhausted just thinking about getting up in the morning. LOL but really I think I might have a thyroid issue. You’ve always been on the forefront of new media. When people ran out of good ideas for movies in the 90s, you said “Hey, why don’t we take this piece of shit play Glen Gary, Glen Ross and make it into a kick ass movie with a bunch of swearing?” And when Anny Sandberg called you up from Saturday Night Live and said he was all out of funny ideas you said “Hey dummy, why don’t you take my famous What’s In The Box? joke from Se7en but this time put your dick in that box you idiot! Call it a Digital Short!” And when Netflix was invented you called them up and said “Hey fucknuts you don’t have any content on here! Take this 12 episode series that I shot in my free time when I wasn’t fucking winning awards.” You’re a real inspiration Kev (and thin-spiration, because you look great!) Anyways, just thought I’d drop you a line for olde times sake. Send me a new headshot please! -Dan Neilan P.S. I got my first erection from watching American Beauty! That part with the bag!

Dear Kevan Spacey,

What up K-Pax! It’s been a long time since we had a regular correspondence, but i haven’t forgotten the wise words you laid upon my sweet little brain all those years ago. When my nine(9) year old eyes and ears were graced with your performance as “Hopper” in A Bug Life, I turned to my Mom and said “That's what I want to be when I grow up.” And she looked down at my starry eyed little face and said “If you wanna be a bug than you can be a bug. Because this is America. This place is run by bugs.” And then we got kicked out for sneaking into the movie. But when I got home that night I wrote you a letter telling you my dreams. YOu sent me a headshot back that said (and I’ll never forget this), “Reach for the stars, Derek.”

Now I’m a little baby that has grown into a little man. And I need some more advise! How do you keep yourself so organized with all of your projects? I mean, you’re doing a national tour of William Shakespeare’s “Richard OneOneOne”. Then you’ve got the third season of “Cards” going into pre-production. Plus, they keep airing The Usual Suspects on TBS. That’s gotta keep you busy! How do you do it Kev? I get exhausted just thinking about getting up in the morning. LOL but really I think I might have a thyroid issue.

You’ve always been on the forefront of new media. When people ran out of good ideas for movies in the 90s, you said “Hey, why don’t we take this piece of shit play Glen Gary, Glen Ross and make it into a kick ass movie with a bunch of swearing?” And when Anny Sandberg called you up from Saturday Night Live and said he was all out of funny ideas you said “Hey dummy, why don’t you take my famous What’s In The Box? joke from Se7en but this time put your dick in that box you idiot! Call it a Digital Short!” And when Netflix was invented you called them up and said “Hey fucknuts you don’t have any content on here! Take this 12 episode series that I shot in my free time when I wasn’t fucking winning awards.” You’re a real inspiration Kev (and thin-spiration, because you look great!)

Anyways, just thought I’d drop you a line for olde times sake. Send me a new headshot please!

-Dan Neilan

P.S. I got my first erection from watching American Beauty! That part with the bag!


Dad Jokes

Every week we get real hilarious Dad jokes sent to us by real goofball Sons from all over the world.
Warning: These aren't your grandpa's Dad jokes!

Dad: Pull my finger.
Son: I don’t want to.
Dad: Come on. It’ll be funny. Pull my finger.
Son: Ugh, fine.
Son pulls Dad’s finger. Nothing happens.
Dad: I’ve got nothing left. She took everything.

Randy Coddle, age 9
 

Son: Hey Dad, do you have another pencil? This one broke.
Dad: You know what they say about broken pencils?
Son: What?
Dad: Ah nevermind. It’s pointless!
Son: Come on, let’s just get this over with.
Son continues filling out Dad’s final will and testement.

Robert Fulcher, age 49

 

Dad and Son on a road trip.
Dad: Oh look, a flock of cows.
Son: Herd of cows.
Dad: Of course I’ve heard of cows! There’s a whole flock right over there!
Dad smiles wide as hot tears run down his cheeks. After 6 minutes he changes the radio station to static and begins muttering the name “Linda”.

Tommy Selvetti, age 7


Real Letters To Reel People

Once a week I send a letter to a famous Hollywood person as part of my never ending mission to be blinded by the bright lights of stardom. These are the letters.

Dear Dave Letter-Man, Davey Letter Man! King of the wild frontier! The frontier that is late night television of course (haha). All hail the king! Joy to the world, the king has come! It’s good to be the king! #MelBrooks May the schwartz be with you! How do you feel about this Star Wars 7 news? I don’t wanna get my hopes up but I trust Jay-Jay Abrams to make the fans proud. I mean they’ve got all your favorite buddies from the original cast, and these new guys don’t look too bad either. That Adam Driver from HBO Girls is a real hot tamale!! Anyways, let’s get to the big news. The Letter Man is finally retiring. No more letters to this address. Return to sender, Courtesy of CBS (the Channel Broadcasting System). I’ll never forget the day I woke up an read that Buzzfeed article “Top 25 LetterMan Moments We’ll Never Forget” and I realized you announced your retirement a month ago. So much history! You, Conan Oberon, and Craig Kilborn really paved the way for the much younger guys to come up and get a chance. Everybody knows there would never be a Last Call with Carson Daly without a Davey Letter Man. People don’t say that enough. Normally when I write these letters I’m asking for some sort of advice or a little spotlight to share. But since you’ve got one foot in the grave (career-wise) I thought I’d just drop you a line and say how much I appreciate you. (This must be so fun for you!) Thanks for all the top 10 lists. Some people say comedy comes in threes but in my house we say it comes in tens! Thanks for all the snarky interviews with celebrities. I never liked those famous people that much anyway. And thanks for reminding America that you don’t have to be some old fuddy-duddy like J. Leno too be popular on Network Television. “This is a youngman’s game.” - Henny YoungMan Thanks for all the knee slappers! -Dan Neilan P.S. When Drew Barrymore danced on your desk and flashed you I got an erection. Thanks!

Dear Dave Letter-Man,

Davey Letter Man! King of the wild frontier! The frontier that is late night television of course (haha). All hail the king! Joy to the world, the king has come! It’s good to be the king! #MelBrooks May the schwartz be with you! How do you feel about this Star Wars 7 news? I don’t wanna get my hopes up but I trust Jay-Jay Abrams to make the fans proud. I mean they’ve got all your favorite buddies from the original cast, and these new guys don’t look too bad either. That Adam Driver from HBO Girls is a real hot tamale!!

Anyways, let’s get to the big news. The Letter Man is finally retiring. No more letters to this address. Return to sender, Courtesy of CBS (the Channel Broadcasting System). I’ll never forget the day I woke up an read that Buzzfeed article “Top 25 LetterMan Moments We’ll Never Forget” and I realized you announced your retirement a month ago. So much history! You, Conan Oberon, and Craig Kilborn really paved the way for the much younger guys to come up and get a chance. Everybody knows there would never be a Last Call with Carson Daly without a Davey Letter Man. People don’t say that enough.

Normally when I write these letters I’m asking for some sort of advice or a little spotlight to share. But since you’ve got one foot in the grave (career-wise) I thought I’d just drop you a line and say how much I appreciate you. (This must be so fun for you!) Thanks for all the top 10 lists. Some people say comedy comes in threes but in my house we say it comes in tens! Thanks for all the snarky interviews with celebrities. I never liked those famous people that much anyway. And thanks for reminding America that you don’t have to be some old fuddy-duddy like J. Leno too be popular on Network Television.

“This is a youngman’s game.” - Henny YoungMan

Thanks for all the knee slappers!

-Dan Neilan

P.S. When Drew Barrymore danced on your desk and flashed you I got an erection. Thanks!


Dad Jokes

Every week we get real hilarious Dad jokes sent to us by real goofball Sons from all over the world.
Warning: These aren't your grandpa's Dad jokes!

Dad: Hey son, do you wanna try a Hertz Donut?
Son: Sure Dad.
Dad punches son in the arm.
Dad: Hurts, don’t it?
Son: Hahaha.
Son reports the event to his teacher. Stays with Grandma for a few weeks. Now there are two Christmases.

Michael Nesbit, age 7

 

Dad: What’s the perfect time to go to the dentist?
Son: Tooth-hurty!
Dad: The answer is never. We lost our insurance when the plant closed.

Tucker Forx, age 12

 

Dad: Why did the Hungarian King use his vast army to invade the Ottoman Empire’s territory?
Son: I don’t know, Dad. Why?
Dad: Well if you were Hungary you’d probably want Turkey too!
Brother leaves $40 on the coffee table. Son changes the channel to cartoons. Dad’s hand shakes the way it always does.

Dervan Jacobs, age 8


Real Letters To Reel People

Once a week I send a letter to a famous Hollywood person as part of my never ending mission to be blinded by the bright lights of stardom. These are the letters.

Dear July-Ann More, Ugh. Holly wood is rough. Am I right, ladies? I just don’t know what to do anymore July. I’ve sent so many letters and written so many speculative scripts, but it feels like nobody in the City of Angels gives a hoot! The industry is so different now from when you started but you gotta have some tips and tricks for a young up-start like myself. I mean, I bet you used some crazy tactics to get the second lead in The Lost World 2: Jurassic Park. What a killer flick! Here’s what I do to cultivate my net-working skills: Every time I watch a episode of Modern Families or Grey’s, I make sure to write down the names of every person involved with the show. From the EP to the DP is what I always say. The Executive Producer to the Direct to Video Producer. And all the producers in between. That way if I ever find myself mingling at a party in Los Angeles, I’ve got a rolodex (which is a fancy old word for “list”) of names of Hollywood big shots and small shots. What was it like working with costume designer Janty Yates in the movie Hannibal? (This is an example of something I could say to you at party. You do not have to answer this question in your letter.) Here’s something I do to flex my writing mussles: Whenever I watch a movie that is super good like Horton Hears a Woo or Unstoppable, I go home and immediately try to write down every line from the movie exactly. If I get to a line or plot point that I can’t remember than I just make something up (using improvisational skills from my Second City online course lol). I think this helps me learn structure and but also helps with my grammar and spelling. Also, if a Hollywood big-wig asks me to write a movie like Biker Boyz I can say “Great! I’ve got this script right here that is my interpretation of the movie Torque” and he (or she) would say “I don’t need to read it you seem like a pro! Here’s your big Hollywood check. And hey, why don’t you take my car for a spin.” and then he throws me the keys to a fucking Lambo and I’m like “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” and at the exact same time we both yell “VEGAS!!!” Anyways, I just can’t understand why this hasn’t happened yet. I’m ready for the bright lights of stardom, July! I’d even settle for being a director or something stupid like that. Have you ever directed an episode of 30 Rock? What’s Scott Adsit like? Please respond with a handwritten letter sealed with wax, Dan Neilan P.S. You’ve been topless in lots of movies. Thanks!  

Dear July-Ann More,

Ugh. Holly wood is rough. Am I right, ladies?

I just don’t know what to do anymore July. I’ve sent so many letters and written so many speculative scripts, but it feels like nobody in the City of Angels gives a hoot! The industry is so different now from when you started but you gotta have some tips and tricks for a young up-start like myself. I mean, I bet you used some crazy tactics to get the second lead in The Lost World 2: Jurassic Park. What a killer flick!

Here’s what I do to cultivate my net-working skills: Every time I watch a episode of Modern Families or Grey’s, I make sure to write down the names of every person involved with the show. From the EP to the DP is what I always say. The Executive Producer to the Direct to Video Producer. And all the producers in between. That way if I ever find myself mingling at a party in Los Angeles, I’ve got a rolodex (which is a fancy old word for “list”) of names of Hollywood big shots and small shots. What was it like working with costume designer Janty Yates in the movie Hannibal? (This is an example of something I could say to you at party. You do not have to answer this question in your letter.)

Here’s something I do to flex my writing mussles: Whenever I watch a movie that is super good like Horton Hears a Woo or Unstoppable, I go home and immediately try to write down every line from the movie exactly. If I get to a line or plot point that I can’t remember than I just make something up (using improvisational skills from my Second City online course lol). I think this helps me learn structure and but also helps with my grammar and spelling. Also, if a Hollywood big-wig asks me to write a movie like Biker Boyz I can say “Great! I’ve got this script right here that is my interpretation of the movie Torque” and he (or she) would say “I don’t need to read it you seem like a pro! Here’s your big Hollywood check. And hey, why don’t you take my car for a spin.” and then he throws me the keys to a fucking Lambo and I’m like “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” and at the exact same time we both yell “VEGAS!!!”

Anyways, I just can’t understand why this hasn’t happened yet. I’m ready for the bright lights of stardom, July! I’d even settle for being a director or something stupid like that. Have you ever directed an episode of 30 Rock? What’s Scott Adsit like?

Please respond with a handwritten letter sealed with wax,

Dan Neilan

P.S. You’ve been topless in lots of movies. Thanks!

 


Dad Jokes

Every week we get real hilarious Dad jokes sent to us by real goofball Sons from all over the world.
Warning: These aren't your grandpa's Dad jokes!

Dad: What’s that old saying about lawns and mowers?
Son: I don’t know. What?
Dad: It takes one to mow one!
The early autumn sunlight streams through the window. How long has it been like this? In the distance a bird calls out for it’s lover. There is no answer.

David Crumbly, age 9


Dad: Did you hear the one about the farmer who fell on a pitchfork?
Son: No.
Dad: He got the point in the end.
Son: You stole that from the Jungle Cruise--
Dad: I never loved you.

Terrance Stillwicker, age 13


Dad and Son drive past the town cemetery on their way home.
Dad: This place is so popular. People are just dying to get in there!
Son: Hahaha!
Dad turns into the cemetery. Parks car. Walks to open grave and climbs down into it. Dad lays silently in the open grave starring up at what the world is and was. It begins to rain.
Son: Hahaha!

Charlie Dayne, age 7


Real Letters To Reel People

Once a week I send a letter to a famous Hollywood person as part of my never ending mission to be blinded by the bright lights of stardom. These are the letters.

Dear Joey Go-Lev, Don’t forget to hit RECord before you start reading this letter out to all your bros! This is going to be a day you’ll want to remember eventually, because this is the day you got the first letter from your new best bro. (SPOILER ALERT: THAT BRO IS ME) I remember the first time I saw you and Leo running around with Juno in the dream world and I was like “Whoa! What is even happening?” You know? That movie was harder to follow than Clue. But even though I didn’t “get” it, I felt really smart afterwards. All of my friends were like “What was even happening??” and I was like “Oh man, I know right?” It’s so cool to see a Hollywood Movie Man decide to do a thinking movie. So to answer your question, my favorite movie of yours is probably 500 Days of Summer. I also feel like you really understand the biz (business) because you’ve been in it for so long. I remember when I saw Angels of the Outfield and I couldn’t believe this little orphan kid was totally out-acting Donald Glover. Crazy! And then when you decided to play the hot chick with long hair on 30 Rock From the Sun. So bold! That got me through some really tough years in middle school (I pretended I was an alien and didn’t speak english until I was 17) (lol). Anyways, Now that we’re best bros, let’s get down to business (biz). I’m working on a spec script for Disney Channel Online and I think you’d be perfect for it. It’s a sequel to the 1998 classic Brink! (something only 90s kids will get and they will totally eat it up out of our hands via online streaming w/ commercials). It’s either going to be called Brink 2: Hired Blades OR Brink 2: All Grown Up and Suds. I’m waiting to hear back from the suits at Warner Bros, but I know they definitely want a gritty reboot. I think you’re action sportz experience in Premyum Rush will put you at the top of the list for the secondary role of Charlind (a young crippled boy who dreams of bladin’). Hit me back bud! Either about the movie or just about friendship! I can only accept hand written letters write now because I think they’re more authentic like when you said you liked the Smiths in 500 Days of Sumner. Your best friend, Dan Neilan P.S. I got super hard watching Don Jon. Thanks!

Dear Joey Go-Lev,

Don’t forget to hit RECord before you start reading this letter out to all your bros! This is going to be a day you’ll want to remember eventually, because this is the day you got the first letter from your new best bro. (SPOILER ALERT: THAT BRO IS ME)

I remember the first time I saw you and Leo running around with Juno in the dream world and I was like “Whoa! What is even happening?” You know? That movie was harder to follow than Clue. But even though I didn’t “get” it, I felt really smart afterwards. All of my friends were like “What was even happening??” and I was like “Oh man, I know right?” It’s so cool to see a Hollywood Movie Man decide to do a thinking movie. So to answer your question, my favorite movie of yours is probably 500 Days of Summer.

I also feel like you really understand the biz (business) because you’ve been in it for so long. I remember when I saw Angels of the Outfield and I couldn’t believe this little orphan kid was totally out-acting Donald Glover. Crazy! And then when you decided to play the hot chick with long hair on 30 Rock From the Sun. So bold! That got me through some really tough years in middle school (I pretended I was an alien and didn’t speak english until I was 17) (lol).

Anyways, Now that we’re best bros, let’s get down to business (biz). I’m working on a spec script for Disney Channel Online and I think you’d be perfect for it. It’s a sequel to the 1998 classic Brink! (something only 90s kids will get and they will totally eat it up out of our hands via online streaming w/ commercials). It’s either going to be called Brink 2: Hired Blades OR Brink 2: All Grown Up and Suds. I’m waiting to hear back from the suits at Warner Bros, but I know they definitely want a gritty reboot. I think you’re action sportz experience in Premyum Rush will put you at the top of the list for the secondary role of Charlind (a young crippled boy who dreams of bladin’).

Hit me back bud! Either about the movie or just about friendship! I can only accept hand written letters write now because I think they’re more authentic like when you said you liked the Smiths in 500 Days of Sumner.

Your best friend,

Dan Neilan

P.S. I got super hard watching Don Jon. Thanks!

Dad Jokes

Every week we get real hilarious Dad jokes sent to us by real goofball Sons from all over the world.
Warning: These aren't your grandpa's Dad jokes!

father_son.png

Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Son: Why?
Dad: Because sometimes you gotta leave to make your boy a man.
Son finishes bussing Dad’s table.

Trent Chetters, age 18

 

Son: Hey Dad, can I have some money to get groceries from Whole Foods?
Dad: More like Whole Paycheck!
Son: I wish we didn’t have to live like this.
Dad clenches and unclenches his fists seven times.

Donald Mukas, age 12

 

Dad: Knock, knock.
Son: Who’s there?
Dad: Banana.
Son: Banana who?
Dad: Knock, knock.
Son: Who’s there?
Dad: Banana.
Son: Banana who?
Dad: Knock, knock.
Son: Who’s there?
Dad: Banana.
Son: Banana who?
Dad: Knock, knock.
Son: Who’s there?
Dad: Orange.
Son: Orange who?
Dad: Where am I? Who are you?
Nurse: Visiting hours are over.

John Winders, age 47


Real Letters To Reel People

Once a week I send a letter to a famous Hollywood person as part of my never ending mission to be blinded by the bright lights of stardom. These are the letters.

Dear (Will) Pharrell, SUCH A FUNNY HAT! When I was watching the Oscar Academy Awards and I saw that tiny little head peaking out from under that big ol’ ranger cap, I thought to myself “Jeez! This guy really gets it!”. And by “it” I mean comedy. And also show-biz. It takes a real pro to turn a wardrobe malfunction into a front page Buzzfeed gif (Something Miss Jackson and Justin Timberland could have learned a little earlier on! Right?)! How many more award shows are you doing this tour? Now don’t even get me started on this “Happy” Song you’ve got blastin on every dang radio station. Every time I hear that song it’s like my brain turns into one of those little yellow guys from Despicable Me Too. It’s like you took the laugh track from a hilarious NBC sitcom and turned it into music though. So fun! Do you think they’ll ever make a sequel to Old School? Ok, the flattery fest is over. Let’s get down to business. How many pop star/comedians do you know that have super powers? Probably a couple. But imagine if they did! I’m chopping up a script for the Hallmark Network and I think you’d fit into it like a vasaline filled glove. It’s about a teenage Youtube sensation (we may have to use Vimeo for copyright reasons, but we’ll settle that in ADR) who gets a very special gift via FedEx One Rate. But this is no ordinary FedEx One Rate shipment, it’s filled with magical powers and/or arcane artifacts. Long story short he gains the power of flight and laser eyes and becomes a FedEx One Rate delivery man. It’s a cross promotional piece with FedEx One Rate. Sounds pretty “Happy” right? HaHa. Anyways, send me a letter with any punch-up or fat-trimming that you’ve got in mind. But as far as I can tell this script is scribed! This is gonna be as big as Night in the Roxbury! Good luck with the hat business, Dan Neilan P.S. I was very aroused by that “Blurred Lines” video with Alan Thicke. Great job!

Dear (Will) Pharrell,

SUCH A FUNNY HAT! When I was watching the Oscar Academy Awards and I saw that tiny little head peaking out from under that big ol’ ranger cap, I thought to myself “Jeez! This guy really gets it!”. And by “it” I mean comedy. And also show-biz. It takes a real pro to turn a wardrobe malfunction into a front page Buzzfeed gif (Something Miss Jackson and Justin Timberland could have learned a little earlier on! Right?)! How many more award shows are you doing this tour?

Now don’t even get me started on this “Happy” Song you’ve got blastin on every dang radio station. Every time I hear that song it’s like my brain turns into one of those little yellow guys from Despicable Me Too. It’s like you took the laugh track from a hilarious NBC sitcom and turned it into music though. So fun! Do you think they’ll ever make a sequel to Old School?

Ok, the flattery fest is over. Let’s get down to business. How many pop star/comedians do you know that have super powers? Probably a couple. But imagine if they did! I’m chopping up a script for the Hallmark Network and I think you’d fit into it like a vasaline filled glove. It’s about a teenage Youtube sensation (we may have to use Vimeo for copyright reasons, but we’ll settle that in ADR) who gets a very special gift via FedEx One Rate. But this is no ordinary FedEx One Rate shipment, it’s filled with magical powers and/or arcane artifacts. Long story short he gains the power of flight and laser eyes and becomes a FedEx One Rate delivery man. It’s a cross promotional piece with FedEx One Rate.

Sounds pretty “Happy” right? HaHa. Anyways, send me a letter with any punch-up or fat-trimming that you’ve got in mind. But as far as I can tell this script is scribed! This is gonna be as big as Night in the Roxbury!

Good luck with the hat business,

Dan Neilan

P.S. I was very aroused by that “Blurred Lines” video with Alan Thicke. Great job!


Dad Jokes

Every week we get real hilarious Dad jokes sent to us by real goofball Sons from all over the world.
Warning: These aren't your grandpa's Dad jokes!

father_son.png

Son: Dad, I’m hungry.
Dad: Nice to meet you Hungry, I’m Dad.
Dad screams for 27 minutes.

Lucas Foresythe, age 13

 

Dad: Why was six afraid of seven?
Son: Why?
Dad: Because seven was a different ethnicity and six grew up in a different time.
Dad stares off into the distance until dinner is over.

Jake Severensen, age 9

 

Dad: Knock, knock.
Son: Who’s there?
Dad: Mom.
Son: Mom who?
Dad: Exactly...
Dad finishes ordering from the Arby’s cashier.

Stephen McHale, age 10


Real Letters To Reel People

Once a week I send a letter to a famous Hollywood person as part of my never ending mission to be blinded by the bright lights of stardom. These are the letters.

Dear Dawn Cheedle, First of all, big fan. You’re probably my favorite of all the Ocean’s boys. I didn’t even know you were British until I heard you spitting that classic cockney rhymming slang you Brits are famous for. Is it hard to do an American accent? I heard it was hard for Michael Cane and he’s a top notch ace. Did you guys go to school together? Also, I’m so glad they brought you on board for the Iron Men sequels. I think you have much better comedic timing than Clarence Howard in the first movie. Have you ever thought about doing a sequel to Hustle or Flow or Crash? You could make it really funny. Anyways, I”M an amateur screenwriter and I’ve got some ideas I’d like to pitch you. How do you feel about puppets? I’ve been kicking around this idea for a few years and I think you’re perfect for it. It’s partially inspired by the Walking Dead but the main narrative has a lot more in common with Boogie Nights (have you ever seen that flick? It’s really good. Definitely would reccommend). Anyways, you’d play the love interest and I’m not 100% sure we wouldn’t use puppets. Let that idea roll around in that beautiful noggin of yours and shoot me a letter back. I don’t have email because my nephew hacked my laptop. Kids, right? Is it true you changed your name to Dawn after you saw Dawn Corleone in the Godfather? Thanks, Dan Neilan Entrepreneur of Dreams P.S. I really enjoyed your work in Hotel For Dogs. Can’t believe you got snubbed!

Dear Dawn Cheedle,

First of all, big fan. You’re probably my favorite of all the Ocean’s boys. I didn’t even know you were British until I heard you spitting that classic cockney rhymming slang you Brits are famous for. Is it hard to do an American accent? I heard it was hard for Michael Cane and he’s a top notch ace. Did you guys go to school together?

Also, I’m so glad they brought you on board for the Iron Men sequels. I think you have much better comedic timing than Clarence Howard in the first movie. Have you ever thought about doing a sequel to Hustle or Flow or Crash? You could make it really funny.

Anyways, I”M an amateur screenwriter and I’ve got some ideas I’d like to pitch you. How do you feel about puppets? I’ve been kicking around this idea for a few years and I think you’re perfect for it. It’s partially inspired by the Walking Dead but the main narrative has a lot more in common with Boogie Nights (have you ever seen that flick? It’s really good. Definitely would reccommend). Anyways, you’d play the love interest and I’m not 100% sure we wouldn’t use puppets.

Let that idea roll around in that beautiful noggin of yours and shoot me a letter back. I don’t have email because my nephew hacked my laptop. Kids, right? Is it true you changed your name to Dawn after you saw Dawn Corleone in the Godfather?

Thanks,

Dan Neilan

Entrepreneur of Dreams

P.S. I really enjoyed your work in Hotel For Dogs. Can’t believe you got snubbed!