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SCHENECTADY, NY—Repeatedly seeking to ease his friends’ growing skepticism and disinterest, local man Joel Mayhew peppered his explanation of the rules of the board game Pandemic with reassurances that it will be fun, sources confirmed Friday. “I know you’ll really like it once we actually get going,” said Mayhew, flipping through the game’s instructions to clarify the rules while pausing frequently to promise that the game was much less complicated than it seemed. “Okay, so, basically, once you’ve completed the movement part of your turn, one option is to give or take a city card from another player. You’ll get the hang of it, I swear. Although—and don’t worry if you forget this part, because I can just remind you—you can only share a city card with a player who’s already in the same city as you. Seriously, you’re going to be addicted after we’ve played through the whole thing a few times.” At press time, two of Mayhew’s friends had abandoned the game, and he was hastily reassuring those who remained at the table that it was actually more fun with fewer players.

Realistic Day Planner Only Includes First Couple Weeks After Purchase

LAKE ZURICH, IL—In an effort to provide customers with a more practical product that better suits their typical usage, office supplies manufacturer Mead released a new realistic day planner this week that only includes entries for the first couple weeks after its purchase. “We wanted to make sure our products aligned with our consumers’ actual needs, so the new line of planners we launched for this holiday season only contains dates through the first half of January, and after that it’s blank,” said Mead brand manager Philip Walden, who added that, as a precautionary measure, the day planner features 14 date entries despite numerous consumer surveys showing that most people only used those on their planners’ first page. “We also included entries for March 11 through 13, as well as a couple random days in April and June, for when our customers suddenly feel guilty at various points in the year and try to take another stab at organizing their lives. The rest of the pages can be used for doodling, writing down grocery lists, or just as scrap paper.” Mead officials confirmed the realistic day planner had also been specially designed to fit seamlessly into any existing pile of clutter.

Nation’s Outfoxed Sheriffs Shake Heads, Throw Hats In Dirt

PURVIS, MS—Braking hard at the county line and watching as the fugitives they had pursued sped away in a cloud of dust, the nation’s outfoxed sheriffs reportedly leapt up out of their vehicles, threw their hats in the dirt, and shook their heads in disgust Friday. “Dagnabbit! They got away again,” said the lawmen, spitting out the sides of their mouths and stomping on their wide-brimmed Stetsons as the car filled with “the worst miscreants ever seen in these parts” faded into the distance. “Get back here, you no-good, dirty varmints! Tell me, is every deputy in this department a goldarned ignoramus? ’Cause I told you sorry sons-a-bitches to keep an eye on ’em! Well, don’t just stand there, Rudy—get on the radio and see if you can raise the highway patrol. Them outlaws will be halfway to Alabam’ ’fore we know it.” At press time, sources confirmed the nation’s hornswoggled sheriffs were furiously slapping their steering wheels upon realizing their cars wouldn’t start.


Has your son brought his horrible pals to the house again? Here are a few quiet ways to be productive upstairs while you wait for them to leave.

1. Folding laundry: Folding your family’s clean clothes is an excellent chore to do far away from the bad-news delinquents your son has over. Those boys have a mean streak in them; give them half a chance and they’ll rip you to shreds. No need to risk it. By doing laundry upstairs, you’ll be out of sight and virtually inaudible, so they can’t sneak one of your bras from the hamper and strap it on your neighbor’s dog again. While you’re at it, you can even rearrange your entire wardrobe a few times so you don’t have to leave the closet at all.

2. Getting a head start on your taxes: Here’s another neat trick: The moment you hear your son and his posse coming through the garage, why not head upstairs, withdraw to the guest bedroom, and quietly organize financial documents? Go the extra mile and place a towel under the door to muffle any noise that shuffling papers might make. You really don’t want to risk them finding out you’re upstairs, because they will immediately pressure your son into making you order a pizza for them. That’s basically their calling card.

Yes, doing the taxes is easier on the dining room table where you can spread out all the documents, but your son will tell you off if you ask them to hang out in the basement instead. That’s his idea of acting “cool” in front of his friends, and make no mistake: They will all snicker like a chorus of little monsters and further compound their influence on his awful behavior. Just stay upstairs until they’re gone. Foolproof.

3. Changing the bedsheets: Okay, so you’ve just overheard them making fun of your “nasty cottage cheese thighs.” Your son did not defend you. He never has and never will, because he is a follower. One great thing you can do in this situation is to stay stowed away on the second floor, gently put fresh linens on your family’s beds, and bury your face in the old ones to suppress the sound of you catching your breath from crying.

Consider storing some water bottles and snacks in the guest room ahead of time. It couldn’t hurt to be prepared to stay there all night in case your son has them sleep over (he will not ask for your permission to do this).

4. Ordering your son and his friends a pizza: Accept that this is inevitable. Just remember to whisper your order and payment information over the phone very, very quietly.

5. Dusting: Not vacuuming. Never vacuuming. Never anything that loud. They already call you “the vacuum fucker” behind your back, so there’s no point in giving them any more ammo to bully you with. Beyond being a perfectly silent chore, dusting can be a nice and meditative activity. Relaxing, even.

Try not to think about the toxic things they could be doing downstairs. Renting pornography on-demand. The choking game. Smoking pot—yeah, don’t put it past your son to let his low-life friends do drugs at your house. Wait, do these kids know your house as the “drug house”? Do other parents in town gossip about what they think you let go on in your home? Jesus.

6. Online shopping for your son’s Christmas presents: This is the ideal chore. You don’t even need the lights on to do it. The computer screen is its own light source, so feel free to shut the blinds and hide yourself from your son’s friends in near-total darkness. You’ll want to do this in the closet, too, because he very well might come looking for you upstairs specifically to ask about it.

Sure, he probably doesn’t deserve presents this year given how often he and his friends terrorize your home life, but think of what Christmas can be. A chance to turn things around. A chance to get him on your side. Maybe he’ll start standing up for you if he gets a PS4 even after his friends called you a “narc bitch” because you told their parents when they stole vodka from your liquor cabinet and threw up all over your basement. Don’t get your hopes up, though. For now, just mute your computer and browse Amazon as quietly as you can.

This Incredible Comic Perfectly Captures What It Would Look Like If An Alligator Wore A Bow Tie

It can be a struggle to explain what an alligator would look like if it were wearing a bow tie. How do you find the right words to describe a gator that’s dressed to impress and ready for a night on the town?

Misguided friends and family who think they understand might spout well-meaning assumptions like “an alligator would look pretty nice in a bow tie,” but this is a gross simplification of how elegant and refined a bow-tie-wearing alligator would be.

Fortunately, an artist drew this amazing cartoon you can use to explain how an alligator would look in a bow tie. Talk about a truth bomb. In one image, the comic perfectly depicts what an alligator in a bow tie would look like.

A mere description could never fully convey the appearance of a fancy alligator that’s wearing a bow tie, and this drawing distills it all down to a single, incisive, illuminating panel. If you ever meet someone who’s confused what a bow-tie-wearing alligator would look like, this comic will instantly open their eyes.

Mic freaking dropped.


McSweeney's Internet Tendency

List: Things God Does When He Closes A Door

  • Opens a window.
  • Opens a window and then really oversells how nice it is.
  • Opens a smaller, less obvious door.
  • Says “Did you want that open?”
  • Turns all the windows into window-sized doors.
  • Reopens the door and just closes the screen.
  • Moves the door to the south wall and mentions a Feng Shui class he’s taking.
  • Remarks how a door’s peephole is kind of like a tiny window.
  • Opens up about his dad, even though it’s clearly not the right time.
  • Says, “Whoops! I meant to leave before I closed that.” Pretends like it was a joke, then awkwardly hangs around for five minutes before leaving.

StarWipe

Celebrity Weight Loss: Before, After, And Before Again

Stars really are just like us in that they also struggle to maintain a healthy weight. That’s why nothing is more inspiring than a celebrity who was once overweight suddenly looking less overweight at a different point in time. Let’s take a look at these celebrities before and after they slimmed down, and then again from before or a different time, too.

When he was the star of The Drew Carey Show, Drew Carey’s signature beer belly was a great source of comedy. But soon after taking the reins at The Price Is Right, Carey found a diet that worked for him and lost a whopping 100 pounds, making himself virtually unrecognizable. And then somewhere around 2004, before the aforementioned weight loss, Carey was still rather overweight during his tenure at Whose Line Is It Anyway. Truly inspiring!

Jennifer Hudson was never really overweight, but she was certainly a bit curvier when she hit the stage in the third season of American Idol. But seeing her nowadays you’d never know, because in 2010 she went from a size 16 to a size 6! Looking at these drastically different photos of the Dreamgirls star is enough to make you say, “Wow! Jennifer Hudson certainly did change a lot or remained the same, depending on when these photos are from.” We’d have to agree!

Just look at this old photo of Today host Al Roker and compare it to a current photo taken after his successful gastric bypass surgery. Boy, are we glad Al was able to find the help he needed to get down to a healthy weight. Now take a look at that same photo from before—again! Al Roker certainly looks different now in that older photo, compared to how he looked before in the newer one after the first photo. You can’t argue with results!

As a spokesperson for Jenny Craig, Kirstie Allie found a second career in flaunting her astounding weight loss. But even with the help of a strict diet and exercise plan, the Cheers star struggled to keep the weight off. Of course, it’d be difficult to tell that from these particular photos, seeing as the “after” photo is first, an older photo is second, and then there’s an even older photo from before she put on the weight. Regardless, when it comes to celebrity weight loss, photos of Kirstie Allie are included in this list.

Here are two of the exact same photo of Rosie O’Donnell, plus one newer photo from after she lost a significant amount of weight. See the difference? Doesn’t seem so crazy now, does it?

These are three of the same older photo of Kevin Smith. He’s lost quite a bit of weight since then by cutting sugar out of his diet, but you wouldn’t know that by looking at these photos—which, again, are exactly the same. If seeing the Clerks director like this doesn’t inspire you to have your body be a different body at a later time, then we don’t know what will. And you can too!

 

Op-Ed: The MTV Movie Awards Should Have A “Best Intercourse” Award

Since their inception in 1992, the MTV Movie Awards have been the benchmark for all things evocative, edgy, and just plain cool about the film industry. In this perpetually boundary-pushing answer to the stodgy old Oscars, perhaps no other category represents that in-your-face sentiment better than the always titillating, sometimes controversial “Best Kiss.” But with the awards show reaching its 25th anniversary with tomorrow night’s ceremony, it’s become glaringly obvious that the show could use an update that better reflects the far edgier, just plain cooler times it’s now living in.

The MTV Movie Awards should have an award for “Best Intercourse.”

Now, some of you will surely dismiss the very idea of a “Best Intercourse” award outright, believing it to be too crass to even discuss. Or maybe you think that MTV’s youth-focused market simply isn’t ready to decide for themselves which movie did intercourse best. But after two decades of handing out Golden Popcorns for “Best Villain,” “Best Fight”, and even “Best Scared-As-Shit Moment,” isn’t it about time the MTV Movie Awards started acting a little more mature? Isn’t it time we stopped beating around the bush and just started giving out MTV Movie Awards for what we really want?

And to be clear, what we want is MTV to tell us which movie had the best intercourse scenes.

Sure. “Best Kiss” awards are nice. We love a good “Best Kiss” award. Ever since the first “Best Kiss” award was given to little Anna Chlumsky and Macaulay Culkin for My Girl in 1992, finding out which movie characters put their mouths together the best has been a special and exciting experience that cineastes look forward to all year long. Then came the year 2000, when we were a little older and started experimenting with giving a “Best Kiss” award to Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair for Cruel Intentions. We knew something had changed—even if we didn’t have the words for it. “Best Kiss” was no longer something awarded just for fun, or for a cheap thrill employed as an easy way to pad out the three-hour run time of a superfluous movie awards show on a network supposedly focused on music.

Suddenly, it meant something more.

But by 2016, the idea of giving a “Best Kiss” award has grown stale. Hell, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson were given the award four years in a row for playing the same characters who kept giving each other basically the same kiss! Clearly, “Best Kiss” is old news.

It’s time for intercourse to get the same respect and accolades from this esteemed voting body that kisses have been given for years.

Shouldn’t Amy Schumer and Bill Hader be recognized for more than just the kisses they gave each other in Trainwreck? Shouldn’t Fifty Shades Of Grey be honored for bringing diverse, underrepresented forms of intercourse to mainstream culture? And we bet Will Smith and Margot Robbie would appreciate a little recognition for the intercourse they had in that movie Focus—which, to be honest, we didn’t see, but we bet there was at least a hint of intercourse in there.

Which brings us to our second, possibly even more important point: More movies should be having intercourse in them.

There’s absolutely no reason why Avengers 2: Age Of Ultron had to abstain from having some on-screen intercourse between any of the characters in its star-studded ensemble cast. Furthermore, if there had been, let’s say, a lengthy intercourse session between Thor and The Hulk included somewhere before the third act fight scene with Ultron, there’s no reason why MTV couldn’t take time out of its awards show to properly honor the artistic merit of that intercourse.

In any case, the MTV Movie Awards are 25 years old now. And whether people are comfortable with it or not, it’s about time they started giving out awards to actors who played fictional characters who pretended to smash their genitals together on screen—that is if the MTV Movie Awards wishes to continue to be taken seriously by the movie-loving adults who place so much value on it.

We’re clearly mature enough.

 

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